Sup bitches?

I'm just chillin on the other buhhh lawwwg still :p  just thought I'd say hi ;)

thinking about asking Jack to hang out on Friday?  He's getting on Tiffany, it's pretty fucking cute.  We haven't hung out in two months, so here's hoping he's free.

I mean, he aint no Pete Wentz but he's definitely worth tryyying to party with right? :P

The kiddies went to Niagara a few weeks, for those who don't have the other blog.   Jack darling was full of pictures ;D 

Apparently he's into some chick and he was like "she told me to not fuck bitches" LMAO you know what that means don't yall? Means he's tryna tell me nooo darling girl, ya can't jump on me anymore :p

Yes sir ;)

I mean of course I won't, I'm a good girl, but even if I did... a soccer net has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score. Ahaha

kidding.

not really. 

I won't, I promise :P 

I mean I've been a queen this May.  I mean at the beginning of the month it was weird cuz of the Zach thing, but I'm a queen now. 

Anyway, I'll see yall really soon ;)

Hey :)

So the storm is over, and I'm over it now :) It is all okay, because I'm like Elena Gilbert. She had all the emotions in her when she was human, and when she became a vampire, everything was amplified, until Damon told her to shut them off. Now she's an evil bitch who doesn't care about anyone or anything, and that's exactly what I feel like now :P

I mean I care about myself, and I care about maybe.. three other people, but dats it :D

I don't want to be good anymore, because I realized that if you be good once, then that leads to expectations, and I don't wanna keep up on those expectations. Because that leads to disappointment. And I'm not about that.

Today I'm in a good mood, I'm not about to put up with anyone's sass, I'll write it off in a split second I swear. My mother tried to talk to me and ask me about what Tristan said and I literally was like "nothing, I dunno" and she's all "so is everything cool with you guys" and while in my head I was like "no" I just said "yeah can I just please go workout?" Like she was actually cutting into my time with pointless conversation, I was annoyed.

Oh and when I woke up this morning, Tristan was like "hey just so you know me not talking to you has nothing to do with you its jall of me. I just need my time to rethink everything" LOL why are you talking Tristan? Seriously why are you talking? Because last time I checked you were like "Well Joelle I guess this is Goodbye, sorry for everything happened." Last time I checked, you wrote me off, so why are you still talking? I thought we were done.

See with me, it's pretty simple. You wanna talk to me, talk to me. You don't wanna talk to me anymore, you say bye, and be done with it. Don't add anything more, just go. Once you say bye, I'm done with you. Do not prolong the inevitable.  I mean I literally deleted his number off my phone. Because why do I need it if he doesn't wanna talk to me? It's not my problem anymore, I can't say anything to make him talk to me, so if we're not gonna talk, then I don't want it taking up space in my phone... Plain and simple. It's not being mean, it's the truth.

Besides.. out of sight out of mind.

If you asked me about it today... there'd be no hint of a tear in my voice.. last night yeah, but not today... It's turned off.

Did I ever mention how much I hate strength training? LMAO it hurts like such a bitch? And when you keep going when the weights start to get uncomfortable, and you do like a few more and then stop and then you put down the weights and you feel the burn for a few seconds in the area you worked? That happened to me with my shoulders and it was so painful!!!! Hahah, but it was such a good workout. But I find I get hungry every two or three hours :s I think that's my body being healthy. I eat whenever I'm hungry because I don't want my body to go into starvation mode and I definitely don't want to indulge in cravings in splurges because for a few minutes of pleasure I'd be paying for it in hours working out and that would suck ass :P

I have pretty good habits though now. I keep up with my workouts, even when I don't feel like doing them I always find myself in my gym doing them. Tomorrow I'm going to change my program. I'm going to do more chest stuff rather than arms, more ass stuff, and a shit ton of back stuff. I want the line that goes down my back to be SO prominent.  I also want my ass to be SO boss there wouldn't be any way you could make "wall" jokes about my ass. I'm just... I'm gonna be unstoppable.

And I only eat something like Mini Eggs because I know I'm going to workout hard. I can't do a half job in my workouts because that's not going to help me in the workout. It's just HIIT, and then take a nice cool shower and feel good about yourself, or nothing. You have to push :)

I wanna do something to do with guns tomorrow. I really, REALLY need to get shit out of my head and so I need to shoot things...  Maybe I'll grab Josh or something and he can take me.

Next Friday T Mills is playing a show at the Sound Academy in Toronto.. I was gonna ask Jack if he wanted to go, even if he doesn't listen to him, I'd get his ticket, I just like his company. But that's not happening clearly LMAO.  Emma and her friends are going and she said she'd meet me there, but I don't wanna go to Toronto by myself -.- So I gotta find someone to goooo with me! D:  T Mills is just fun to get dirty and dance to... that's why I'm going. I listen to like... seven songs by him, maybe a lil more, but he puts on such a good show.  Plus rap shows are always so much fun. 

It's just kind of crazy... how much Jack and I said we wanted to do (not physically) next time we saw each other and when he got off school... but because his friend left... he's obligated to as well. That really sucks. I mean he can do whatever he wants because I've turned my emotions off so I don't feel anything for them, but if there's one thing I hate just under people leaving without a good enough reason, it's broken promises and hopes.  WHen people leave me without a good reason, that above all is the WORST and SHITTIEST thing a person could do to me, its my biggest pet peeve, but broken promises are pretty bad too. Because then it's just lingering there. And you're just like ".. kay, so.. now what" you know? It's just annoying.

Plus my mother has been going off all day yesterday, all day today about how those are such good kids and how they cared about me and all that. Yeah I know they did but clearly not enough because I wasn't worth it. Ahaha.  That just makes everything Jack's ever said about that sting more. And it's not like I don't remember, I do. I remember. 

Whatever though... I'm gonna go on tumblr... I'll probably write again in like an hour. or something.

Kay well that sucks because Sydney's mad at me and I'm not even mad at her. I've just been depressed and busy.  Something about if there is no effort being put in then she's not putting in any effort. Yeah I'll have all of you know, that my best friend Emma, she always calls me and texts me, and I almost NEVER call her back. I called her back for the first time since her last phone call one week ago, and I only talked to her for two minutes....

Jenna, I haven't messaged her since before Valentines day. I haven't called her, texted her, nothing since then. She has NO idea about me and Jack, or anything. We haven't spoken.

And I would die for those two girls. I love them with everything in me, even if I don't show it or put the effort in. So Sydney should not think for ONE SECOND that I don't care about how she is or how she's doing. It's stupid.

It also sucks because Tristan does not get why I have to leave. Tristan does not see me as a distraction for him but I am. We cannot be alone together, he had a thing for me when he liked Francesca too, that is a red signal, and he knows EXACTLY why I could ruin it for him. I was two seconds away from ruining it the last time and i DO NOT want that for him, so he doesn't need to go fucking ballistic and get mad at me for this. I'm gone because it is the best for him. I didn't say forever. I just for now. For a while. I'M BAD FOR HIM. I'm a bad influence, and I don't wanna be the reason that him and Francesca break up, because I REALLY like her for him and he cannot fucking mess it up. And I will not be there to mess it up for him.

And Jack. Man a tiny part of me actually started to have a thing for him.  Yeah, I can admit it, a part of me thought "hm, I could like this guy, he's sweet". I told him what I told him on Sunday because I felt guilty about it, and because I thought that I could trust him. I do not care for one second that you want to think about it, because when I say  "dont tell anyone" I MEAN IT. And I'm dead fucking serious. Like I don't think you know how serious I am when I say that. Because apparently it didn't occur in his head that it affects ME too. It does not affect JUST Tristan and Francesca.  It affects MY friendship with Tristan, with HIM, and this is why I say do not fucking tell anyone. What the hell.  What the fuck posessed him to come to the conclusion that it only concerned Tristan and Francesca? And what the fuck told him to NOT tell me he was going to tell Tristan? Like did he actually think I wouldn't figure it out?  Come the fuck on Jack you're smarter than that. 

And this business about "oh i only creep on you when you're there to torment you" YEAH BULLSHIT. I know what you do. Don't you dare fucking lie about that.  I've known for a WHILE. But I let it slide. I told you, DON'T go through my shit because it's like my fucking diary. I didn't give you permission to go through my phone, I didn't give you permission to creep all my shit. So tell me what the fuck went through your head when I said DON'T. I'm just on a fucking rant because it pisses me off.  Like is that how you're showing me you can respect my privacy? Is that how you're showing me?  Yeah we thought you were in the same league as my other best friends Travis and Whiskers? YEAH they know my link to my blogs, but I tell them don't go reading them, and they don't. BECAUSE THEY RESPECT MY PRIVACY. THEY DO.  But APPARENTLY, you guys don't. And why? Is it because you think I'm fucking unstable? All I asked... is that you don't stalk me. And you didn't. So now I'm mad. YOU cannot blame me for snapping because I told you not to. And you KNEW it would piss me off.  I can't even believe you think I didn't know. I knew this ENTIRE TIME and I let it slide because you were supposed to know what you were doing. I warned Jack. How COULD you.  Tell me how the words "don't stalk me" didn't make it through your head, I'm dying to know. Like what part of that didn't you get? Did you want me to speak it to you in another fucking language?  If I fucking wanted you to know my life I would tell you. I would tell you word for word, if I wanted you to know.  But as you can clearly tell, SOME THINGS SHOULD BE LEFT OUT.  You KNEW it would piss me off if I found out. So now YOU get to deal with this bullshit.

ANd this is crazy because this is EXACTLY what it is, it's bullshit! I fucking ADORE you guys. I don't ask you to tell me your life story, I don't ask you to open up to me, I don't ask ANYTHING of you, I love you for who you guys are, and I am SO lucky to know you guys because you guys are amazing, truly, but this pisses me off more than you could EVER imagine.  I truly believe I'm justified. I might've just said something that probably could piss them all off but I don't care because I made a valid point. I repsect their privacy. I always do. I don't question them, fuck, I respect their decisions, I value their morals, what the fuck? I love them, but I'm SO pissed. And they HAVE to realize that I have INCREDIBLE reason to be.